I love NY but my body hates it
Notes after moving out of my New York apt in June
It's been a few weeks since I've written to you all. I was moving out of my apartment in New York.
While I anticipate to continue visiting the city, and maybe even spending months at a time there, it wasn't making much sense to maintain a place.
Today’s newsletter has a different feel. Since it’s a new chapter for me, I'd like to share reflections on my time in NY.
I realize NY is one of the most written-about cities. Many articulate writers, artists, and ambitious types of all skins have taken their go at describing their love-hate relationships with this city of the extremes.
If you want to hear from the professionals instead, here are two collections of essays I find make a good pair with opposite perspectives:
Goodbye to All That (Revised Edition): Writers on Loving and Leaving New York
Never Can Say Goodbye: Writers on Their Unshakable Love for New York
I have my own perspective that I hope can be helpful. It comes from a nervous system vantage point which is a lens more people have become aware of. Our nervous systems shape who we are in the moment and the way we experience the world.
NYC is the city where you may never sleep
And it's not because there is a lot to do. It's because the buzz of the city literally fills your body with an overwhelming amount of energy. I generally sleep well and about 7-8 hours per night outside the city, but I found myself only being able to sleep about 4-6 hours per night in New York while still having full energy the next day. This may sound very cool, and it is for a while, but it also takes a toll on your body.
After about 3 weeks, I would be uncomfortably snappy and make quick impulsive decisions. I would put my hands out in front of me and they would slightly shake like I'd had too much coffee. (I don't drink coffee at all or take stimulants besides green tea.) When I’d get to that point, I knew it was time to take a break.
I already knew this is how the city made me feel before I moved there, but I assumed that it might mellow out if I had a comfortable apartment. For me, this was mostly a wrong assumption. While I did get a little more comfortable, I never was really able to maintain calm. What I learned to do was to make sure I'd exercise about 1-2 hours a day to release the energy.
TIP: If you're living in the city, get yourself out every few weeks and go hug a tree somewhere. I would go upstate and rest for 2-3 days once every 6 weeks or so. It would take me about a full day to relax and enter a “ventral vagal” state of restoration. I’d end up pacing around while I down-shifted, and then have hibernation level sleep the last day.
If I was in a pinch, I'd go to the bathhouse for a sauna and cold plunge. It would chill me out for a couple of days at a time.
NY is ideal for those who perform well under pressure
My friends that I find do really well in the city seem to thrive under pressure. This is a "know yourself" thing. If pressure and competition activate you, NY is a great place for you to spend time. Even between activities, sometimes it feels like you're foot-racing people while being hit with a gauntlet of construction noise and obstacles.
A benefit of this pressure is you can find out who you are and what you are like in that energy. While there are commonalities with how people act under different nervous system states, I find that in reality, it varies.
For me, I learned things like sitting down and writing an email like this, for example, are impossible for me while in a heightened nervous system state. I could not get myself to sit on a computer for more than an hour or two at a time. This is unfortunate for someone who works on the computer...
However, while under pressure and in the sympathetic nervous system state, I loved being around people, performing on stage, taking meetings, long bike rides, and generally expending my energy through IRL interactions.
NY is one of the best places for me to connect and build bonds.
In NY, the people are the mountains
The best thing about new york city is the people. All the spaces, parties, and gatherings are conduits for connecting with its diverse inhabitants and visitors. I forget who introduced me to this metaphor, but in a place without much nature, in NY the people are the mountains you can experience.
People in the city have a lot to offer and teach you. They're ambitious, reaching for something, and can help you make your dreams come to life too. Or if they’re not directly helping, they’re being brutally honest - there is a lot to learn from that as well.
The diversity, creativity, and ambition are what drove me to spend time in the city. It’s truly world-class and unlike anywhere else. These are the reasons I will keep returning.
Go to NY with a dream in mind (or leave often to clarify your dream)
New York is a place to manifest and make your dreams come to life. Before I moved to the city, I wondered whether I should come with a dream in tow or let my dream take shape there. I would now recommend the former.
Come with your dream in your bag. It will help you make decisions about how to spend your time, keep you grounded and focused, and generally shelter you from being thrown around.
Another possibility is to leave on the regular to check in with yourself outside of the city.
One thing you'll realize is that most New Yorkers with means are often OOT (out of town) and spend half the time elsewhere - for business or pleasure. It makes complete sense to drop in to connect and get things done but be elsewhere to shape your intentions.
Catching my musical improv hero Reggie Watts busk with Marc Rebillet performing on the streets of Manhattan
Get ready to express yourself fully
One of the benefits of NY is it pushes you to be who you really are. When you have limited time each day, every option at your fingertips, and you see every example of a possible human around you being squeezed to become who they really are, you're going to have no choice but to be fully yourself.
This is great for folks who have been sheltered or are into something random and haven't found their people. Every weird niche and sub-niche has a group here.
TIP: * The only asterisk I would put is people act differently in survival mode than when they're calm. Being under pressure may not help everyone really come out of their shell.
I also witnessed people quickly cling to a sub-niche that didn't seem authentic to them instead of taking the time to explore possibilities. Try taking a writing class, improv, or anything that calls your interest to open yourself to new worlds.
I love NY, but my body hates it.
When people ask me about living in new york, I leave it at this: I love NY, but my body hates it. The diversity, culture, creativity, and ambition are aspects I really connect with. After about three weeks, my body and nervous system go haywire.
I learned that for me, I really prefer to be elsewhere as a default state and drop in and enjoy all the people and things I love in constrained amounts of time.
With that in mind, I could see a NY experience being useful for almost anyone with the ambition to go and see what the magic city feels like on them. It’s a great choice for someone with a message or mission to send to the world.
Even if you spend a couple of years and build a network, it can be worthwhile and then you can dip in and out for seasons. You’d be in good company.
If you’re a friend just arriving in New York now or thinking about moving there, here are my tips in one sentence: Take it at your own pace, bring a dream, get lots of exercise, meet lots of people, help folks out, and be open to them helping you, and don't forget to take regular nature breaks to regulate.
NY Nervous System Regulation Activities
Exercise daily
Sauna and cold plunge - bathhouse and russian baths
co-regulate with chill friends on walks and meetups
Ferry to rockaway beach in the summer and jump in the ocean
Group excercise classes - hot yoga, classpass
Prospect park day
Bike to Red Hook
Intimate concerts
Get yourself out regularly to somewhere with nature
That's all for now, friends. I hope that was interesting or helpful for some of you. I anticipate going to a more regular writing schedule of sharing my creative journey, philosophical musings, and music recommendations.
I'm on a 3 week hiatus from NYC in LA right now and reading this makes me a) excited to go back to the city soon and b) more cognizant of how I expend/preserve my energy when I return. Thanks for this read! Hope you're well and enjoying nervous system regulation wherever you are in the world :)
Great article man!!